I’ve grappled with the fear of abandonment, like so many others, but what cuts even more profound for me is the underlying wound of feeling replaceable. It’s a fear so intense that it has driven me to irrational, ruminating thoughts and self-sabotaging actions.
For the longest time, I yearned for an unwavering love that I wouldn’t have to question for a second. I held onto the belief that if our relationship ever hit a rough patch or we were to part ways, that special someone would go to great lengths to fight for us. That person would fight tooth and nail to keep us together or to do the work necessary to show I was worth it to him. It was a romantic ideal, but in hindsight, it was an unhealthy expectation.
When reality hit, and I was replaced in the blink of an eye after ending a relationship I thought was forever, it shattered me. Friday, it seemed we were in love but breaking up, and by Wednesday, he was licking his wounds with the attention of another. My insecurities, deeply rooted in childhood experiences, proved insurmountable. Feelings so overwhelming, I knew, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”
Yet, perhaps it’s not just about being replaceable; it’s about feeling insignificant. And I can trace that feeling all the way back to my earliest memories. Those formative experiences left an indelible mark, shaping my perception of myself and my worth in relationships. As a child, my programming was to believe that I needed to constantly try harder and persuade others to behave in specific ways. Despite my efforts, I learned I wasn’t inherently worth fighting for. I also learned to persist in proving my worth, independent of others’ expectations or actions. My conditioning set up an unhealthy dynamic. I can see now how I was trying to get my partner to irradicate these beliefs by proving himself and fighting for me. I was making it his responsibility to make me feel worthy when I did not fundamentally believe I was worthy. That is an expectation that no one should have.
Patterns in our relationships reflect the beliefs we hold about ourselves. If we find ourselves consistently being replaced by a partner, it is natural to internalize that experience and believe that we must be insignificant or unworthy of love. However, as I have come to understand, it’s not about me; it’s about recognizing that beneath the fear of being replaced lies a deeper issue- a lack of self-love and a struggle to establish a sense of identity.
Conversely, when someone quickly enters a new relationship after ending one, it reflects their fears and insecurities, not a commentary on another’s worth. It is a sign that they may be afraid to be alone, grappling with their fear of abandonment, or need the validation of others to understand that they exist. Realizing this has been a pivotal moment for me as I shift my perspective and appreciate my value. The actions of others in relationships don’t determine my value. It is about cultivating a deep sense of self-worth and embracing my identity independent of external validation.
My programming that said, “Try harder,” “They will tell you when you are worthy,” and “You aren’t loveable if they don’t fight for you” needed to be examined. It can’t be someone else’s responsibility to make me feel fundamentally worthy. That must come from within. Without that deep sense of worth, I now understand that I didn’t recognize things when they were out of alignment. I was recreating familiar emotional patterns and hoping for a different outcome. I was breaking my own damn heart. I recognize how easily, in any relationship, I became activated when a potential third person was involved, as it triggered all my insecurities and feelings of lack. I also acknowledge that being activated says more about me, and someone activating me (consciously or unconsciously) says more about them and our unhealthy dynamic.
It is a significant shift to begin honoring oneself and returning to the truth of one’s alignment. For me, it is less about returning to alignment and more about discovering it for the first time. In my sadness and grief, I’ve started to prioritize my own needs and desires, tuning into what truly resonates with me rather than succumbing to external expectations. I’ve begun to listen to my body, honoring its signals and acknowledging when it needs rest and nourishment rather than pushing through exhaustion.
Establishing boundaries is a journey I’m still navigating, but I’m making strides. Saying “No” has shifted from an internal struggle filled with guilt to a liberating act, granting me the ability to safeguard both my emotional and physical boundaries. Each step towards setting boundaries feels empowering, reinforcing my sense of self and autonomy.
I’m fully embracing my emotional pain and giving it the attention and care it deserves. Rather than seeking distractions from others or numbing myself with alcohol, as I have in the past, I’m tending to my wounds with compassion and self-compassion. I’m giving myself permission to feel what I need to feel.
Overall, I’m prioritizing my well-being and treating my body with kindness. I recognize that true healing comes from within and requires radical acceptance and honesty with myself. I may have lacked self-love and a sense of self that caused deep attachments and painful insecurities; however, now I understand that I am unique and committed to developing an unshakeable self-love. If someone feels I am replaceable and wants to walk away, or their actions do not match their words, I will not take it personally. I will let it hurt, wish them the best, and heed Mel Robbin’s wise words and “Let them.”